It was a bright cold day in April, and the clock was striking thirteen

What is a billion? It is something that we cannot truly understand, but know this. If we go back a billion seconds in time, the year would be 1959. If we went back a billion minutes, Jesus Christ would be walking the earth. If we went back a billion hours, you’d better be a stonecarver because it would be the stone age. A billion days? There would have been no animals on the land.

So what’s 787 billion then?

I can’t even begin to tell you exactly what 787 billion dollars. What I can tell you is that 787 billion dollars is wrong. 787 billion dollars is messed up. To dig into my deepest, darkest, most Hemmingway inspired depths, 787 billion dollars blows.

Hard.

But lets move past the dollar figures for a second, shall we. Let us move past even the millions of dollars of wasteful pork included in the bill. I want to focus on one particular portion of the bill. I want to focus on the Federal Coordinating Council for Comparative Effectiveness Research, the health care plan included in the stimulus package that I’ll bet you’ve never heard about. From this point forward, I will refer to this bill by a delightful respelling of its acronym, FCCCER will become FUCKER.

Now, I’d  like to point out that this Fucker is the brainchild of a great American. I would never defame a man so patriotic as to not pay his taxes for three years and to thus loose his nomination as secretary of Health and Human Services. That’s right, children, the man singley not trustworthy enough to run our HHS is in fact trustworthy enough to change our health care system forever.

Fucker is a program which is designed to “moniter” our health care providers. It will “moniter” every treatment made by every dictir un this country. It will “moniter,” children, every thing that goes on between your trusted health care professionals and you.

Fucker is a real asshole. So is Tom Daschle. In Daschle’s book  Critical: What We Can Do About the Health Care Crisis, he addresses the subject of ‘experimental procedures.’ He says we should abolish them. So when you’re sitting at the foot of Grandma Suzie’s hospital bed, being told that she has an inoperable brain tumor, don’t even think about asking your doctor about experimental procedures. Fucker won’t let you do that. Fucker’ll fire your doc for trying to ave your grammy’s life.

So lets sum up. Burried in a bill designed to save your failing economy is a health care bill which will change the way you do business with your doctor forever. It effectively shuts down the health care field as we know it, freezing treatment and care where it is in 2009. It also provides very vague descriptions of what should be done in hospitals, and it gives one man at the head of Fucker the complete power to rule on the actions of hospitals, and their future.

So Tom Daschle got his way. Don’t feel bad for him. Sure, he lost his job, but ol’ Tom’s got something far better. He’s got love. Because Tom Daschle love’s Big Brother.

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