Michael Bloomberg’s New Name

Michael Bloomberg needs a new name.

                Clearly, Bloomberg is a name far too American, far too constitutional, far too conservative for this jaded shell of a former entrepreneur.  In a country where a name can so define your place in society, whether you be a Busch in St. Louis, a Wrigley in Chicago, or a Rockefeller in New York, someone who has sunk as low as Michael Bloomberg clearly no longer deserves a name as distinguished as Bloomberg. Bloomberg is a name now synonymous with wealth and power, and it clearly shouldn’t belong to a man whose political stance has gone as far down the rabbit hole as has Michael Bloomberg’s.

                I am referring of course to the now infamous New York City “soda ban.” I’m sure I needn’t rehash the details of the ban, but the short story is that restaurants are now no longer legally allowed to sell sodas any greater in size than twenty ounces; else they face a minimum fine of $200.

                When asked about the constitutionality of this new concept, Bloomberg responded: “what constitution?”

                I am, of course, joking with the above statement, but the joke is a bit sardonic.  Clearly, the idea of banning sodas of more than 20 ounces is ludicrously unconstitutional, and if I do say so myself, un-American.

                To make matters worse, Bloomberg’s defense of the legality of the ban is, apparently, that anyone could, if they were so inclined, purchase two sixteen ounce sodas.

                THEN WHAT, EXACTLY, IS THE POINT OF THE BAN? I can at least understand the admittedly flawed logic that if we remove the large, sugared sodas, we remove some of the cause of the obesity problem, but if I can still get thirty-two, forty-eight, or sixty-four ounces of soda by just buying more than one sixty ounce, WHAT IS THE POINT?

                Clearly, Mayor Bloomberg is off his proverbial rocker. No sane person would think that this ban was acceptable, nor support it with the incredibly flawed logic which Bloomberg uses.

                So Mike needs a new name. Here’s what I’m thinking. In Germany, cities often end with the word Berg (or in their case, Burg) as in Hamburg, Nuremburg, and Duisburg. But Mayor Bloomberg’s actions are now nothing like the economically forward-thinking Germany. In fact, his removal of citizens’ rights and complete lack of governmental logic is much more reminiscent of Soviet Russia.

                So I’m going to start calling him Mayor Michael Bloomgrad. I encourage those of you with parody, humor, and America in your heart to do the same. 

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