The complete Military History of America

A La  “The Complete Military History of France” I am going to write this page, and try to do so humorously, about OUR military history. Of course, as I’m sure the inspiration was, I will fail to cover every single subject of U.S. military involvement. Anything major you feel I’ve missed, feel free to correct.

The French and Indian Wars: Four wars, only one of which was named after the series. The others, (King William’s, Queen Anne’s, King George’s) were fought mostly here, but fought by two European countries. These three wars reinforced one of the premiere rules of British warfare, “It’s hard for us to beat the French, but we can always hold out until nobody cares anymore.” The final of this series the British won, in large part because of the colonial soldiers. They took all the credit, and Canada (which I doubt we ever fought for).

American Revolution: Won. Establishes the first rule of American warfare, “It’s hard to beat the British, but at least hold out until they don’t care anymore.” Lot’s more, of course, can be said of this war, but the authors of the day were often so long-winded that I fell repeating any of it would be redundancy.

Quasi War: Won. It’s hard to win a war that never happened, but the fact that we managed to keep France from coming here AND DESTROYING US makes it a victory.

Barbary Wars: Won. One of many decisions that would plague Thomas Jefferson, he decided to kick the Pirates aRRRss. He did, and saved us, and the rest of the world, a whole lot of booty.

Tecumseh’s war: Won. Proving another semi-rule of American warfare: If you want to feel good about American military prowess, fight the Indians or Pirates. No booty here, but it established the heroism of the president whose name was longer than his term: William Henry Harri…

War of 1812: Won. Won only in the fact that the Brits eventually left (see 1st rule). Nothing else changed. Seriously.

Mexican American War: Won. The tenacity of the fighters at that place we were supposed to remember showed their desperation to have Texas separated from Mexico.  We were more than happy to help, and gave them statehood. They gave us Longhorns, the Bushes, and LBJ. So did we really win in this war??

American Civil War: Won. Lost. Lots of us died, many were hurt, and our country barely survived. This war did, however, give us tales of some of the most badassed generals of all time on both sides. William Tecumseh Sherman, far more successful than his middle name’s namesake, burned Georgia. And hell, there was Stonewall Jackson!

Spanish-American war. Won. We fight Spain for Cuba, get it, and it manages to become what it is today. That’s pretty impressive, considering. Oh, we also got Guam. Not by choice.

Boxer Rebellion: Involved. Let’s be honest, it was in China, and I’m not that worried. I only put it on here to say “The Fists of Righteous Harmony,” so… “The Fists of Righteous Harmony!”

Indian wars: Yeeeeehaw! Transcontinental railroad means manifest destiny boys. Get out Sherman and kill us some injuns. (Won)

Banana Wars: ?. Longest military involvement by America, and it was in Latin America. Woodrow Wilson had us occupy Veracruz for half a year, and if you’ve heard about the Banana Wars that’s probably ALL you’ve heard.

World War 1: DOMINATE: America holds out, enters a trench fight, and looks really cool for tipping the scales. Establishes the second rule of American warfare: “You can save France’s ass, but they’ll still think their better than you” Also, establishes third rule: “We sure like beer, but we’ll still always beat the Kraut’s senseless.” First rule was hinted at in Revolution, with our defeat of the Hessian’s, but the racial slur Kraut had yet to be invented, and thus the rule was far less impressive.

World War 2: Won. The Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor and piss the hell out of Americans for a surprise attack which wasn’t meant to be such (slow translator). Anyway, the war was much longer than the first World war, at least in our involvement. Still, we won, see rules three, two, and the fourth, Chris Rock memorial rule, “I’ma drop me a bomb today!”

Cold War: M.A.D. I tell ye, M.A.D.! Nobody wins, really, although one party ceases to exist, see first rule, switch Britain with U.S.S.R. Highlights: Bay of Pigs: Won. Kind of, but gee, let’s not do that again real soon, kay? Also, Korean War, see below, and Vietnam war, see below below!

Korean War: still fighting, no kidding! Technically, we pull out. VERY TECHNICALLY (Really, it’s a stretch. Seriously. I’m not kidding. At all. Even slightly.) we won, but North Korea and South Korea are still fighting, so… see parenthesis…

Vietnam war: Won here. Lost there. National Guard gets to kill some college students, hippies, thus Guard is VERY excited! However, over there, we really didn’t win. It wasn’t a war, though (HA! HA! HA! HAAAA!), but a police involvement. So see. We didn’t lose! SEE! SEEEEEEEEE??!?!? (aside: whispering… WHAT? THAT WAS THE LAST ONE. OH SH@#!!!)

Grenada: Won. Aren’t we cool, we can unbelievably overpower a tiny ass island with thousands of paratroopers. See, cuz we’re awesome.

Gulf War: Won. Quickly. Establishes first theorem of American warfare: “Wars in Iraq go quick, and we win. right?”

War on Terror: Still going on. They knock our buildings down, and we get amazingly pissed off. So we send troops to a whole lot of places, disprove the first theorem, and are still fighting. So, who wins. We don’t know, but we’re gonna keep fighting, hippie.


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